Adapted from the 16 Guidelines for a Happy Life

“In relationships with others, patience becomes a form of kindness. Think of the best friend who comforts you night after night over the heartache that just won’t go away, or the grandchild who smiles through the story she has heard her grandfather tell countless times. Indeed, research suggests that patient people tend to be more cooperative, more empathic, more equitable, and more forgiving. “Patience involves emphatically assuming some personal discomfort to alleviate the suffering of those around us,” write Debra R. Comer and Leslie E. Sekerka in their 2014 study. – From Four Reasons to Cultivate Patience, The Greater Good Science Center

About the 16 Guidelines

The 16 Guidelines are drawn from the teachings on ethics at the root of the world’s great religions, and are presented in a secular framework for anyone who wants to develop greater empathy, compassion and resilience in their day-to-day lives. Research shows that developing these 16 qualities improves individual and community health and wellbeing.

The guidelines are: Patience, Kindness, Respect, Aspiration, Humility, Honesty, Forgiveness, Principles, Contentment, Generosity, Gratitude, Service, Delight, Right Speech, Loyalty, and Courage — ways of thinking, acting, relating to others, and finding meaning in our lives. They don’t depend on anything external, but are part of the inner wealth and qualities we all possess.

An initiative of The Foundation for Developing Compassion and Wisdom, an international non-profit organization, the guidelines have been incorporated with great success into training programs at hospitals, hospices, schools, and in corporations around the world.

Reading about the guidelines, I often thought of our Coral Tree caregivers and about how much they naturally embody so many of these qualities.

The Benefits of Patience

• Patience doesn’t mean passivity or resignation, but power. It’s an emotionally freeing practice of waiting, watching, and knowing when to act.
• One study by two Japanese scientists has found that practicing patience increases serotonin levels, the neurotransmitter that contributes to feelings of wellbeing and happiness .
• Research also suggests that patient people tend to be more cooperative, more empathic, more equitable, and more forgiving.
• Patience is linked to good health and self-control.
• Patience strengthens our ability to control our reactions, accept differences, and retain our peace of mind.
• Patience enables us to make a calm and effective response to challenging situations.
• Patience prevents others getting hurt, when we are tempted to lash out in frustration, anger or pain.

The Power of Thought

With work and familial responsibilities — and all of the external conditions of our lives that we need to look after and maintain –– we can easily forget how powerful our internal world can be, and how important it is to nourish.

According to the 16 Guidelines, the way we think lies at the root of how we experience our world and day-to-day struggles and successes. The words we speak, the way we behave, the way we treat ourselves and others – ultimately stems from our thoughts — one of the eternal truths that all the great religions hold.

Today neuroscience backs this “eternal truth.” Scientists have proven that by changing our thoughts, the neural pathways in our brain actually change, and can evolve.

“Prior to 20 years ago, we thought the brain was hard-wired and fixed, but we now know that from birth to the end of life, our mind is constantly changing and our thoughts are more powerful than we ever imagined guiding the steps in our lives.

Our individual thoughts determine the structure of our brain and the steps that we will take out to lay down the path of our lives.

You probably notice that the more compassionate talk you have with yourself, the more grace you give yourself for failing and trying again.

The concept of this emerging field of science is called neuroplasticity — the brain’s ability to reorganize itself by forming new neural connections. In the last two decades, neuroscientists have overthrown the dogma that the adult brain cannot change. Changes in neuroplasticity has led to promising treatment in every aspect of life from treatment of stroke and injury victims, dyslexia to prevention of cancer.” – Dr. Claire Johnson

By changing the way we think — just as an athlete trains her body — we can slowly change our habits, and strengthen the empathy and compassion we have for ourselves and others, thus leading to less emotional stress in our own lives, and having a positive effect on our families, friends, and all the people we interact with on a day-to-day basis.

Cultivating Patience, Humility, Contentment and Delight offer us four ways to achieve this.

A Short Reflection on Patience

Every world religion sees patience as a way to know God, an incentive to practice it. Whereas frustration focuses on externals, patience is a drawing inward towards a greater wisdom. – Dr. Judith Orloff

Practicing patience helps us develop mental flexibility and strength — like building a protective suit of armor for ourselves. The more we practice patience, the more likely we are to respond in a gentle, appropriate way with others, because we retain the ability to think clearly. Patience  also isn’t just about not being angry with others, but also about not being angry with ourselves. Here is a short reflection that can help us nurture the patience and compassion – this natural part of our mind that we already possess – and try and build and expand those “patient muscles” or neural pathways in our brain.

Sit comfortably. Focus your awareness on your breathing. Try to let go of any thoughts, worries, images or feelings that arise. Whenever you become distracted, bring your awareness gently back to the sensation of the breath going in and out. Spend a few minutes doing this until you feel calm and your awareness if focused on the here-and-now. Think that you are doing this mind-training exercise for the benefit of yourself and others, to generate more patience and positive energy in your mind and send it out to others, to the world.

Consider how nice it would be, for yourself and others, if you were able to practice patience with everyone you met. Contemplate that everyone wants to be happy and avoid suffering, just as you do. They are all trying to make the best of their lives, even those who are angry.

Now allow yourself to think about the patience and compassion that exist deep within your heart, and generate a feeling of this positive energy and love in your heart. Imagine your heart overflowing with these qualities, and the peace that naturally arises. Spend a few minutes doing this.

Then identify someone who you are struggling with at the moment. Imagine that this person is standing in front of you and gently accept their presence. If this is hard to do, go back to watching your breath for a few minutes until you feel relaxed again. Be gentle with yourself and with this person. Can you maintain a sense of patience and compassion in your heart?

Now remember a time when this person spoke or behaved in a way that you found challenging or disturbing. Imagine the agitated emotions that were running through their mind. Allow yourself to explore the suffering that this other person might have been going through. Proceed slowly and gently, in a spirit of patience and compassion.

Now recall a time when you felt anger, jealousy or another disturbing emotion towards this person. How did that feel in your heart? What effect did it have on you? What impact did it have on them?

Now imagine that this person is trying to have an argument with you. As an experiment, decide that you are willing to lose the argument, that you won’t answer back, score points, or attempt to control how they behave. Do your best to be genuinely kind, open, patient and compassionate.

Close with the wish “May all beings be happy!”

Additional Resources